Dear Sharae...

I've been thinking about you a lot in the past few days.
Blogging a letter seems much cheaper & 
less embarassing than therapy.

I know you loved reading blogs, 
I like to think you still read mine from heaven. :)

One day last month, 
(while I was looking for something else entirely...)
I found some pictures of us on my computer.
I KNEW I had them and had feverishly looked for them many times already.

Then the week of my birthday, they popped up.
I like to think you sent them to me...
as a happy gift...
because you knew how turning 41 would piss me off. ;)

Four months have passed since you left this earth.
I don't think a day has passed that I haven't thought of you, your kids, your mom, your precious sister...I have picked up the phone to text you (I have actually texted a few times like a phycho). I pray for your babies constantly.

Some days I am very sad, mostly my heart aches for your four children who have all had a birthday this year without you. I constantly find things that I would love to share with you, a coupon, some gorgeous fabric or wallpaper, an inspiring verse...just little, simple everyday things that I miss sharing with you so much.

Some days I am very angry, mostly at myself for whining and having a pity party about missing you & your friendship when you children, your parents & siblings all have to wake up in the morning and remember that this nightmare is real. That makes me feel ashamed.

I accidentally watched a movie recently (as in, if I had known it would leave my heart feeling raw I would have never watched it in the first place), I think it is called The Lovely Bones (it has Mark Wahlburg, reow). The story is about a middle school girl who is abducted & murdered. They never show her being murdered, but there is a scene in the movie that shows the young girl when she realizes that she was killed...

I thought I would never stop crying.

I want you to know how absolutley heart burstingly PROUD that I am of your sister. She has selflessly put aside everything in her life and is being a mother to your kids (just like you would have done for hers). She is so much like you, I just want to reach through the screen and hug her neck every time she shares a picture on facebook or instagram. She is, in one single word...amazing & I know you are beaming down smiling on her every single day.

I should stop here...
before it gets sad...
because, you know...
I'm a sappy wuss.

I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

And I will continue to pray...

I love you, friend.
Talk to you soon.